Tantie Talks on "dis internet busines"

The word 'Tantie" in Trinidad means "Auntie" and this recent  article from  the writer of this excellent weekly had me in stitches.

It's not Jamaican patois, but I think the sentiment comes through nonetheless.

Francis

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TANTIE TALK:

Allyuh know how dis Internet business does confuffle mih head sometimes,
and ah does have to ask de gran-chirren to explain ah lot ah tings to me
sometimes.

Is like it have some new ting everyday and de old ting does get cast out
  like yuh trowing corn fuh de fowl in de yard. Doh mind dat dem old
ting was only tree months old, it seem dat dis Internet is ah set ah
short-lived fads.

Well yuh know ah was reading in de Gazette dat how de Government say dat
dey giving laptop to all dem Parlimentarian to use in dey wuk. Dey say
dat dey could use it for research and to have more connections wid de
electorate like you and me.

I say dat is a good idea in trute, I could email mih Councillor and get
him to send de dustcart to collect dat barrell dat mih neighbour cousin
sen from Brooklyn wid de ham last Christmas. Yuh know dat BWIA leff de
ting in de airport and like it begin to live again, fuss it rotten. So
dem wutless people jes trow it in de road and it dey since Christmas.
Like dey feel de rainy season go wash it away.

Anyway back to de 'tory. Mih granddaughter say dat is not Councillors
who getting laptop but dem big pappy Parlimentarians. So is not small
problems dat dey go respond to, is fuh big policy decision like wha
kinda jet to buy for Patos and how much fuh a short drop in de water
maxi-taxi when it reach.

But de chile tell me to mash brakes and doh get to excited about how
tings go be better, because it always have some kinda confusion when we
people get involve in a ting.

She tell me dat she was on some kinda Hotface chat someting, I forget de
name, but it does let yuh put up yuh life story on de Internet and let
all yuh pardnahs and dem write dey comments and ting too. It seem dat de
young people does use dis ting to arrange which fete dey going on de
weekend.

Well if yuh hear Tantana, it seem dat de chile login to she Mybook
account and it had some new teenager talking up she self on de girl
GooBlog. No-one know how she get de access but it seem dat yuh does
collect Friends and mih grand daughter have like eight tousand friends
in dis business. Doh mind she never meet one ah dem and she cyar tell me
what dey Parent's name is and eef dey grow up in Belmont and which
school dey went and eef dey use to be in de Presbyterian Church. But dem
is she frens.

Anyway dis yute start to say dat how she fadder is one ah dem Government
Ministers and dat how he does use de computer to help de people dat vote
he in. He say dat is a new day dawning once de people could contact dey
MP by email.

He say dat he ent voting no party line no more, once it have a debate he
  go vote what de majority of de people on de BlogBook say to do.

When is Budget time, allyuh have to do is go on de TeeTeEbay chatline
and say how much tax yuh willing to pay and he doing dat jes like how
yuh want.

Eeef yuh find dat de Civil Servants giving yuh horrors jes send ah email
and yuh done know dat dey going for Training de nex day.

Like is a whole new way ah government, no more ah dem Minister sleeping
in dey chair in de Parliament, we go have it live and direct!

Dis way he did say we could do away wid de whole idea of adversarial
politrics, because we doh need dem Opposition Boys to jes oppose fuh de
sake of opposing, it go have 41 Representatives in de House who hook up
to de ressa away by de e-vote.

We ent go need no Speaker and all de bachannal dat going on wid dat. In
fact is de present Speaker who jes cyar see de value, he feel dat laptop
is jes for porn and chatrooms. Not at all! We stepping forward to true
2020, de Government run by de people, and only de People dat voting.

Well chile I real feel dis idea could wuk. And all it does corst is 41
laptops! In fact wid de advances in email, dem boys doh even have to be
in de Red House, dey could all cool dey herbs by Pigeon Point wid ah
wireless hookup. Pa Pa Yo!

Suddenly we go transform de Nation from a load of dunderheads in de
House who only want to play games wid we heads, to a setta fellas who
wukking for de people, drawing on de Voice of de People, and following
up on all de tings dat dey does say dey want. Because eef dem
politrickians only miss ah beat we voting dem out tomorrow and rolling
in a nex one, we could have Elections every Friday afternoon!

Sign me up now! I all fuh dis in trute.

It only have one small problem, mih grandaughter ent kow which Minister
it is so I ent know who to contact to give mih support. All she could
tell me was de screen name of de daughter...she does call she-self Avril
Premiere....

.....crick, crack